We All Have Our Crutches
by Copper's Mama
Summary: Ben/Lily fic. Takes place at the end of episode 2, first chapter Lily's POV, second chapter Ben's. Please read and review!
1. Chapter 1

_..._

_A Ben/Lily fic. _

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_Disclaimer: Nope, don't own Off the Map_

_..._

_A/N: Alrighty, here's another one-shot introspective for these two, from Lily's point of view. I think I'll do another one from Ben's point of view, but on the same story. ( Next chapter). _

_Also, I'm not sure if Lily's fiancé was given a name in the series, so for the purposes of this fic, his name will be Brian. If you know that it's something else, I'll chance it. _

_I hope you guys like this one, I know I'll love writing it. _

_As always, please read and review, I live for feedback! _

...

She stared down at the rewrapped tensor on her arm, letting her mind drift to thoughts of him. Usually before she fell asleep at night, no matter where she was, her thoughts were of Brian ... but not tonight. Tonight, her thoughts were of another man entirely.

Dr. Ben Keeton. Quite possibly the world's greatest humanitarian, the best doctor she'd met yet, an excellent teacher, and strikingly beautiful. He was nearly god-like, and she wasn't someone who normally gushed about such things. But, more than that, he was kind. He didn't pity her for her loss, or tell her to get over it already. He knew what she was going through - something told her that he'd gone through something similar. Maybe that was what made them bond so quickly; they both had a painful past.

Lily sighed, turning over on her lumpy mattress so that she was leaning on her uninjured arm, tucking it under her head against the pillow. _Ben Keeton ... what is it about you?_ she wondered silently.

She'd met many men since Brian had died, had fielded invitations for dinners from several suitors ... but none of them had ever done this to her. None of them could make her smile with just a thought.

She thought back to the phone that she'd dropped in the garbage, feeling a momentary pang of guilt. Realistically, she knew that she had to move on, and that putting away his final text message was the first step. But, she still couldn't help but feel as though she was betraying his memory. Pushing back her covers, Lily slid off the bed and out of the bedroom, tip-toeing back across to the office, to the garbage can where she'd left her phone.

There was no one around that late at night; the few night staff were all playing poker in the main hall, waiting for an emergency case to show up, or a call to come in. She made her way back to the table area silently, glancing around until she found what she was looking for.

There it was ... just sitting in there. No other garbage on top of it, no one had taken it out. Sighing, Lily pursed her lips and reached down for it.

To the casual observer, she was just picking up a phone from the garbage ... nothing too spectacular. But that tiny little piece of technology had held her entire world within it for so long, she didn't know if she was really ready to let that go.

Her mind bounced back and forth between Brian and Ben, though she told herself not to compare the two. She wouldn't do that to his memory. But, she couldn't deny that there were definite feelings stirring for Ben.

Lily groaned, holding the phone tightly in her hand. _I'm such a mental case,_ she told herself, slapping the phone against her thigh. "God, Ben ... why do you have to be so perfect?" she asked the empty room, turning around and making her way slowly back to her bunk.

She wouldn't decide ... not tonight. Not when everything was fresh and new. But, she wouldn't use the phone as a crutch anymore ... no, she had a new doctor crutch. Ben had given that to her. Someday soon, when she was ready ... she would delete that message. Brian was gone, and he wasn't coming back, and she had to move on. He would want her to. Something told her that Ben would be waiting for her when she did - okay, maybe that was just wishful thinking. Still, it was nice to know that she still had the phone if she needed it.

Lily snuck back into her bunk, placing the phone under her pillow. She let her eyes drift closed after a while, rubbing a thumb absentmindedly over the tensor on her arm. Her dreams weren't filled with wedding plans, text messages, or funeral arrangements ... not that night. That night, she dreamed of coconuts and anaconda bites, and woke up that morning feeling more rested than she had in months.

...

_End of Lily's point of view. _

_What did you guys think of that? Like it, hate it? _

_Reviews are appreciated, flame if you must, but constructive criticism is much more useful. _

_Until next time ...! _


	2. Chapter 2

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_A Ben/Lily fic. _

_Chapter Two. _

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_Disclaimer: See Ch. 1. _

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_A/N: Here's chapter two, from Ben's point of view. (I swear, I didn't mean for that to rhyme!) _

_I hope you guys like this one, I know I'll love writing it. _

_As always, please read and review, I live for feedback! _

...

Ben walked around the main building in silence, soaking in the calm and soothing atmosphere of the jungle at night. It was really something else - no other place like it in the world. It was one of the things he loved most about being here. You couldn't find a sky like that in the city, or the peaceful melody that the jungle provided you with - as long as you were willing to listen.

He couldn't sleep ... not after what Ryan had told him. Did he really look at Brenner that way? The way he used to look at Ryan? He might deny it to others, but he wouldn't lie to himself - there was something there.

But, he couldn't ... not with Brenner. She was still hung up on her fiancé. And she had every right to be ... she'd lost someone that she'd loved so much. He could relate to that.

Ben sighed, wishing he'd been able to keep his thoughts to simple things, like homemade tourniquets, or how the new kid had nearly ruined the hospital's relations with the all of the people in the surrounding villages, just by insulting one Shaman. Those were safe thoughts. Thinking of taking Brenner into his office and doing wicked things to her - those were unsafe thoughts.

Ben made his way around the familiar area once more, about ready to head back to bed when he saw someone familiar creeping across the grass to the building he'd been in with Brenner before ... it was Brenner herself! He narrowed her eyes, watching her move. She was clearly trying not to be seen, which only served to intrigue him further.

He followed her quietly to the building where he'd helped her with her wounded arm, and they'd had their conversation about her fiancé. Wondering what she could be doing there, he moved around to a side window, peering in at her. He only felt slightly like a stalker.

He watched her look down at the garbage can, and before he could wonder what she was doing there, she pulled her cell phone back out of it.

_Oh,_ he thought, realizing that she must have tossed it out after he'd given her her "new doctor crutch". A part of him smiled at that thought, but quickly realized that she must have changed her mind. Maybe she wasn't over her fiancé yet.

That thought made him sadder than it should have, and his body sagged a little. He shouldn't be reacting this way to someone he'd met less than a week ago. He shouldn't be reacting at all, since he really shouldn't be witnessing this at all. It was a private moment between Brenner and her deceased lover. He was about to turn and leave when he heard her voice seep through the still-open door.

"God, Ben ... why do you have to be so perfect?" she asked the seemingly empty room, before turning and exiting the building.

Ben watched in stunned silence as she made her way across the grassy area and back into her bunk. He remained where he was, his mouth parted slightly as he replayed those words over and over in his mind. He was far from perfect, he knew that ... but she thought he was perfect. Without knowing it, without intending to, he'd gotten inside her head, and was making her choose between him, and the memory of her departed fiancé.

He kept the smile off of his face at that realization, though he'd be lying if he said that some small part of it didn't make him happy.

It was then that he truly realized his feelings for the young doctor. Ben walked back the way he'd come, deciding to take another short walk before heading to bed for the night ... He really needed to clear his head.

He knew that she still had some healing to do before she would be open to a new relationship. And when that happened, he would be waiting. Ryan was right ... though he couldn't see the look on his own face, he knew that there was more there than just friendship or mentorship. Dr. Lily Brenner had gotten to him, too, without even knowing it.

...

_The end. _

_I really need to start getting some longer fics up here! _

_Well, what did you guys think of this one? Like it, hate it? _

_Reviews are appreciated, flame if you must, but constructive criticism is much more useful. _

_Until next time ...!_


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